I'M NOT DEAD I JUST SMELL FUNNY
(or: I'M NOT DEAD I'M JUST SMALL AND FUNNY)
Last night me and Thomas we were sitting in a very fast pizzabar in Esfahan and it was close to midnight and the streets were empty and I was eating a salad because I don't like pizza and so instead I had bought a tin can of chickpeas and had had the man in the kiosk open it and now I poured cold slimy chickpeas over my salad and Thomas no longer wanted to sit beside me, oh, no, not that! he said, mouth full of mushroom & chicken pizza and I promised to go in a minute and he would never see me again, and so I took up the plastic bag from my other plastic bag and opened it and took out the now also slimy tin can and poured a few more chickpeas over my salad, and Thomas he didn't say anything he didn't even look at me he just ate his pizza and flirted with three young beautiful girls in colorfull scarfs sitting at the next table eating their hamburgers, Nielsen! he said (yeah, now he even calls me Nielsen, as if I was just an old skinny butler in his personal story), Nielsen! he said (without even looking at me), go give my business card to the girl with the blue scarf! And at the same moment the girls stood up and left the table and went to the door with their two small children (and it was almost midnight!). Now! he said without even looking at me he just handed me the business card and I ran to the door, please please! I said, and gave it to the girl with the blue scarf, and she didn't even look at me, she just looked at Thomas and blew him a finger kiss, and I didn't want to sit beside him any longer so I just picked up my plastic bags and the half empty (or still half filled!) tin can and the almost empty salad box because maybe I could use it again later, in my room, maybe, and I just stood there as if I didn't really care, but he didn't even notice me, and so I finally went out into the darkness and there were no one out there, not even one of the mad motorbikers without helmet and the entire family sitting behind him or between his arms, I was all alone in Esfahan, and so I just started walking, - hello how are you! somebody shouted, and I turned and saw the three girls and their two small children sitting in a car at the side of the dark road, - mister! they shouted, and so I smiled and waved my hand, - kiss me! the girl in the front seat shouted, the one with the almost copper colored scarf, and I didn't know what to do, so I just jumped over the stinking abyss, that the Iranians always have between the sidewalk and the road, and I bowed down and put my head through the window and kissed the girl (and she was smelling so good!), but she screamed, and I don't really think that she really meant it when she said kiss me! it was probably the only two words in English she knew apart from hello how are you mister and country, - sorry I said, and I suddenly remembered that according to the laws (yeah, there are so many laws here!) of the Islamic Republic of Iran you are not allowed to touch a girl in Iran, not even look a her, I am afraid, - sorry, I said and the only thing I wanted was to turn around and close my eyes and just start to run, - country! the girl in the back seat, the one with the blue scarf, Thomases girl, said, - Danmark, I said, - oh! she said, and they all started to laugh and giggle and I don't know why, I just wanted to die, - hotel! she said, and I nodded and pointed out in the darkness in the direction of the hotel, - berim! she said and opened the door and took my hand (she took my hand!) and it was so smooth and warm and she dragged me into the car beside here, and the older girl, the mother of the two children, I guess, she just U-turned and started to drive, and I was in a car with three beautiful Iranian girls, one in a blue scarf (Thomases girl, I know, I know!), one in a yellow scarf, and one in an almost copper colored, and the girl in the blue scarf she held my hand and caressed it, and I didn't know what to do, cause she was not at all my girl, she is Thomases girl, so I just sat there and smiled, and they laughed and giggled and they even started screaming as the car just roared through the streets of Esfahan, and I thought about the revolution, that we are supposed to start, what about the revolution! I thought, we are supposed to start a new revolution in Iran, me and Thomas, and the Iranians off course, and I had just spent the entire afternoon at the headquarter of the secret tourist police of the city of Yazd playing table tennis, "ping pong", with the under officers, while the chief inspector and the assistant inspector and his assistant and his assistant in their dusty trousers and worn out black muddy shoes and stained jackets and shirts without a tie were looking through all the fourteen or maybe eighteen videotapes that we have recorded on our way up through Iran, from Bandar Abbas over Shiraz and Yazd, fourteen or maybe eighteen hours of endless, long distance blurry shots of two men in suits and ties playing football with the local boys in the darkness at the pier of Bandar Abbas, or two men in suits and ties carrying an old metal box covered with indecipherable Chinese writings into the romantic dusty light of the crowded Hafeze Garden in Shiraz while somebody is waving a white flag with a hole in the centre, or two men in suits and ties sitting far away on the other side of a heavy trafficked road in a tiny sandwich bar just talking and talking for hours and hours with a dozen of student boys while the girls, all in black, heads covered in black scarfs, are sitting at the surrounding tables just listening eating their sandwiches, and I really don't know what they were thinking, the secret inspector and his secret assistant and his secret assistant and so forth, they must have been extremely bored, but they were obviously very polite, so they just kept on watching for more than three hours eyes fixed on the tiny screen at the side of the camera, while Thomas smoked and walked forth and back and forth and back like a lion in the little yard and I beat first the under officer and then his assistant, and then they sent for the tea boy, who wasn't that fat and lazy, but I even beat him, and then they obviously didn't know what to do, so in The End they just let us go, and now I was sitting here in the middle of the night in a car with three giggling beautiful girls thinking about the revolution, - you go with us! the girl in the blue scarf said, and it wasn't a question, - berim! berim! she screamed, and the older girl, the mother, I guess, not of the two girls, off course, of the children, I mean, she stepped onto the gas pedal and the car took off and, – no! I said, - wait! and, - what about Thomas! Thomas! I said, and I don't know if it was because I knew that it was wrong, that I was the wrong man in the wrong seat, that the real main actor is Thomas, not me, or if it was because I am just so shy and almost afraid of girls, and that is perhaps the real reason why I prefer to make revolutions on far away continents or sleep in a shotgun shack in the middle of Baghdad while mortars and machine gun shots and heavy weight B 52s are exploding or thundering over my head in the darkness, I don't know, but the mother hit the break and stopped the car and they all looked at me, and the girl in the blue scarf caressed my knee and her hand was so warm and tender and, - Thomas! I said, - what about Thomas! And suddenly the girl in the blue scarf screamed and pointed out into the darkness, and I turned my head, and there he was! almost two meters tall in his black suit and big dusty black shoes (of a size that you can't even buy here or anywhere in the entire Middle East!), back to the audience, hands deep in his pockets on his way in through the doors of Hotel Zohreh, - Thomas! I shouted, and he turned around and saw me sitting there in a car with three beautiful Iranian girls, and I was so proud that I could faint, - Thomas I shouted, and laughed like a jester, and the three girls screamed, and he came slowly, almost lazily, hands still deep in his pockets towards the car, and the girls didn't even look at me, no, not any more, – Nielsen?! he said, smiling, as if caught by surprise, and for a moment I think he was even looking at me, - Nielsen?! he said and bowed down, hands still in his pockets, - hi! he said to the girls, just a deep, smooth - hi! that was all, and the girls started screaming.
Last night me and Thomas we were sitting in a very fast pizzabar in Esfahan and it was close to midnight and the streets were empty and I was eating a salad because I don't like pizza and so instead I had bought a tin can of chickpeas and had had the man in the kiosk open it and now I poured cold slimy chickpeas over my salad and Thomas no longer wanted to sit beside me, oh, no, not that! he said, mouth full of mushroom & chicken pizza and I promised to go in a minute and he would never see me again, and so I took up the plastic bag from my other plastic bag and opened it and took out the now also slimy tin can and poured a few more chickpeas over my salad, and Thomas he didn't say anything he didn't even look at me he just ate his pizza and flirted with three young beautiful girls in colorfull scarfs sitting at the next table eating their hamburgers, Nielsen! he said (yeah, now he even calls me Nielsen, as if I was just an old skinny butler in his personal story), Nielsen! he said (without even looking at me), go give my business card to the girl with the blue scarf! And at the same moment the girls stood up and left the table and went to the door with their two small children (and it was almost midnight!). Now! he said without even looking at me he just handed me the business card and I ran to the door, please please! I said, and gave it to the girl with the blue scarf, and she didn't even look at me, she just looked at Thomas and blew him a finger kiss, and I didn't want to sit beside him any longer so I just picked up my plastic bags and the half empty (or still half filled!) tin can and the almost empty salad box because maybe I could use it again later, in my room, maybe, and I just stood there as if I didn't really care, but he didn't even notice me, and so I finally went out into the darkness and there were no one out there, not even one of the mad motorbikers without helmet and the entire family sitting behind him or between his arms, I was all alone in Esfahan, and so I just started walking, - hello how are you! somebody shouted, and I turned and saw the three girls and their two small children sitting in a car at the side of the dark road, - mister! they shouted, and so I smiled and waved my hand, - kiss me! the girl in the front seat shouted, the one with the almost copper colored scarf, and I didn't know what to do, so I just jumped over the stinking abyss, that the Iranians always have between the sidewalk and the road, and I bowed down and put my head through the window and kissed the girl (and she was smelling so good!), but she screamed, and I don't really think that she really meant it when she said kiss me! it was probably the only two words in English she knew apart from hello how are you mister and country, - sorry I said, and I suddenly remembered that according to the laws (yeah, there are so many laws here!) of the Islamic Republic of Iran you are not allowed to touch a girl in Iran, not even look a her, I am afraid, - sorry, I said and the only thing I wanted was to turn around and close my eyes and just start to run, - country! the girl in the back seat, the one with the blue scarf, Thomases girl, said, - Danmark, I said, - oh! she said, and they all started to laugh and giggle and I don't know why, I just wanted to die, - hotel! she said, and I nodded and pointed out in the darkness in the direction of the hotel, - berim! she said and opened the door and took my hand (she took my hand!) and it was so smooth and warm and she dragged me into the car beside here, and the older girl, the mother of the two children, I guess, she just U-turned and started to drive, and I was in a car with three beautiful Iranian girls, one in a blue scarf (Thomases girl, I know, I know!), one in a yellow scarf, and one in an almost copper colored, and the girl in the blue scarf she held my hand and caressed it, and I didn't know what to do, cause she was not at all my girl, she is Thomases girl, so I just sat there and smiled, and they laughed and giggled and they even started screaming as the car just roared through the streets of Esfahan, and I thought about the revolution, that we are supposed to start, what about the revolution! I thought, we are supposed to start a new revolution in Iran, me and Thomas, and the Iranians off course, and I had just spent the entire afternoon at the headquarter of the secret tourist police of the city of Yazd playing table tennis, "ping pong", with the under officers, while the chief inspector and the assistant inspector and his assistant and his assistant in their dusty trousers and worn out black muddy shoes and stained jackets and shirts without a tie were looking through all the fourteen or maybe eighteen videotapes that we have recorded on our way up through Iran, from Bandar Abbas over Shiraz and Yazd, fourteen or maybe eighteen hours of endless, long distance blurry shots of two men in suits and ties playing football with the local boys in the darkness at the pier of Bandar Abbas, or two men in suits and ties carrying an old metal box covered with indecipherable Chinese writings into the romantic dusty light of the crowded Hafeze Garden in Shiraz while somebody is waving a white flag with a hole in the centre, or two men in suits and ties sitting far away on the other side of a heavy trafficked road in a tiny sandwich bar just talking and talking for hours and hours with a dozen of student boys while the girls, all in black, heads covered in black scarfs, are sitting at the surrounding tables just listening eating their sandwiches, and I really don't know what they were thinking, the secret inspector and his secret assistant and his secret assistant and so forth, they must have been extremely bored, but they were obviously very polite, so they just kept on watching for more than three hours eyes fixed on the tiny screen at the side of the camera, while Thomas smoked and walked forth and back and forth and back like a lion in the little yard and I beat first the under officer and then his assistant, and then they sent for the tea boy, who wasn't that fat and lazy, but I even beat him, and then they obviously didn't know what to do, so in The End they just let us go, and now I was sitting here in the middle of the night in a car with three giggling beautiful girls thinking about the revolution, - you go with us! the girl in the blue scarf said, and it wasn't a question, - berim! berim! she screamed, and the older girl, the mother, I guess, not of the two girls, off course, of the children, I mean, she stepped onto the gas pedal and the car took off and, – no! I said, - wait! and, - what about Thomas! Thomas! I said, and I don't know if it was because I knew that it was wrong, that I was the wrong man in the wrong seat, that the real main actor is Thomas, not me, or if it was because I am just so shy and almost afraid of girls, and that is perhaps the real reason why I prefer to make revolutions on far away continents or sleep in a shotgun shack in the middle of Baghdad while mortars and machine gun shots and heavy weight B 52s are exploding or thundering over my head in the darkness, I don't know, but the mother hit the break and stopped the car and they all looked at me, and the girl in the blue scarf caressed my knee and her hand was so warm and tender and, - Thomas! I said, - what about Thomas! And suddenly the girl in the blue scarf screamed and pointed out into the darkness, and I turned my head, and there he was! almost two meters tall in his black suit and big dusty black shoes (of a size that you can't even buy here or anywhere in the entire Middle East!), back to the audience, hands deep in his pockets on his way in through the doors of Hotel Zohreh, - Thomas! I shouted, and he turned around and saw me sitting there in a car with three beautiful Iranian girls, and I was so proud that I could faint, - Thomas I shouted, and laughed like a jester, and the three girls screamed, and he came slowly, almost lazily, hands still deep in his pockets towards the car, and the girls didn't even look at me, no, not any more, – Nielsen?! he said, smiling, as if caught by surprise, and for a moment I think he was even looking at me, - Nielsen?! he said and bowed down, hands still in his pockets, - hi! he said to the girls, just a deep, smooth - hi! that was all, and the girls started screaming.
posted by Thomas and Claus at 9:29 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home